I ultimately decided to speak with my HR person. I was very nervous and my stomach made a lot of unwelcome noises. I also have a hard time catching my breath when I get nervous- so that was a fun thing that happened, too. I told her everything. I told her about all three incidents. She was most appalled that I was harassed about my ethnic ambiguity. I explained to her that my defense is to joke about things, so I did my fair share of that while my boss was harassing me.
And it was like the mighty waters of the Red Sea parted before me. My HR rep said, “Our supervisors are trained on this type of thing every year. They know that even if the person goes along with the harassment or makes a joke- it is still wrong to do. This was not ok. I am glad you said something because there is a good chance that someone else on your team feels this way and doesn’t feel comfortable enough to admit it.”
Wow.
She affirmed my experience and she also threw in a bit of support and encouragement. Is it sad that all of that was shocking to me? I got so burned the last time I stood up for myself at my work place, that I forgot that some people actually do their jobs and care about professionalism and proper conduct in the work place.
The HR person did tell me that there had to be an investigation (and I almost crapped right there when she said that). She was very clear about my rights during all of this. I told her I was concerned that I would not be voted on as an official employee(your coworkers vote to keep you on the island during your first few months). She was clear in explaining the confidentiality that had to be kept about this and she told me to come speak to her again if my bosses were treating me differently. She told me,
“You have rights and you will be protected.”
2nd Wow.
It was really hard. I am glad I did it. Both my supervisors admitted to acting inappropriately. Neither of them have been unprofessional towards me in any way or treated me poorly. It is a relief and I am glad to have it behind me.
Even though all things confrontational and harassment related are settled at work, I still feel uneasy about something. I feel uneasy about how I felt and about how I handled it. I was afraid and I wanted to hide. I expect more from myself. I assumed that I would be braver and louder, sooner. I actually considered not saying anything. I really wanted to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend like it hadn’t happened. I knew that ignoring it all would make me bitter, and it wouldn’t change anything, but confrontation is just awful.
When I was younger and less bitter, confrontation did not bother me as much. Perhaps it was because I did not know any better, I was more optimistic, I had way more energy to deal with these types of things. Maybe I did not want to say anything at work because I know that all one needs to do at work is be professional. I do not feel like I am being an agent of change at my workplace. The only lesson my bosses only learned was to be quiet- there was no internal struggle or change. They don’t know why the things they said to me are inexcusable, oppressive to me, and self oppression.
And I am so fucking tired of contributing to and operating in a system that confuses proper conduct with liberated critical thinking. This thing- this situation- is exactly what is wrong with our system, our culture. The HR person said it perfectly, “We can’t change what people think. They can think whatever they want. But they need to know better than to say these things out loud.”
I nodded.
I nodded because I know that it is not on my workplace’s agenda to do in depth diversity training in order to change the way people think about the world and the folks they share it with.
But therein lies the problem: we just walk around and slap band aids on everything. HR’s job was to slap band aids on things and force apologies (much like my parents used to do). My brother and I would smack each other and my mother would force us to apologize to each other AND forgive each other. We would apologize through clenched jaws and we knew once our mother was out of sight we would start our quest for the justice that we really wanted- the last punch. We learned nothing from our fights about how to treat each other with respect or talk about our feelings or working together as a team/family. All we learned was how to say the right things to get authority to leave us alone.
My bosses did not learn about why the things they said to me were way out of line other than- stop saying illegal shit or this person is gonna sue us! It is hard to be an active participant in that kind of ineffective system.
And I just don’t know what to do with that.
